A Typical Conversation With My Mind At Bedtime


Mind: Hey!
Me: You do realize it’s 2:00 in the morning, right?
Mind: Yeah – so how’s it going?
Me: I’m tired so please be quiet so we can get some rest.
Mind: Oh yeah, okay…

A brief ten seconds or so of silence goes by.

Mind: Quick question.
Me: No.
Mind: But it’s important.
Me: No. Then it’ll lead to another question and another. I know how this works. Seriously, silence – not another word.
Mind: Fine… But I was just wondering if you’re going to have a better day tomorrow? I know you were trying and all, but today kind of sucked.
Me: Seriously? Let’s pretend you didn’t even say that and go back to sleep.
Mind: Alright, fine by me.

Another ten seconds of silence passes.

Me: But why would you even say that?
Mind: Well, I knew you didn’t have the day you wanted.
Me: So you decide to bring it up so I can stress about it all over again? Geez! Whatever. I’m over it.
Mind: Come on… We both know that’s not true.
Me: Fine. Let’s go over tomorrow’s schedule for the hundredth time so that I’m fully prepared and ready to take on the day.
Mind: Okay, I’m listening.
Me: I’m going to get up at this time. I have my clothes picked out and my bags packed up and ready to go. I have gym at this time and class at this time. I’m going to eat this at this time and this at that time. It’s all good.
Mind: Cool. Don’t forget to go over the possible catastrophes that could deter your plans.
Me: Will you shut up?! I have to get up early! Be quiet so we can get some sleep.
Mind: Fine. But don’t expect me to work under the heavy stress you put on yourself later because you don’t feel prepared.
Me: So dramatic. Would you rather try to function on NO sleep?
Mind: Good point.
Me: Exactly. Now, just calm down and relax so we can doze off.
Mind: I’ll try.

A couple of minutes go by… I know she’s wide awake though.

Mind: I’m not tired. Can you try counting sheep?
Me: We are twenty-one years old. Aren’t we past this phase?
Mind: Absolutely not! You’re never too old to count sheep. Just give it a go, will you?
Me: You’re so stupid.
Mind: That means you’re stupid…
Me: Fine. One… two…
Mind: Wait! Start over! I wasn’t ready.
Me: (sigh) One… two… three… fo—
Mind: I have to pee.
Me: You’re joking, right?
Mind: No, seriously. Just get up and go and I won’t bug you again. You know you can’t sleep thinking about a full bladder.

Goes to the restroom… gets back in bed… takes a deep breath…

Me: Okay, here we go… Good night.
Mind: Yeah, let’s get some rest. Sweet dreams.
Me: Wow! That sounds like such a great idea! I wish I had thought of that!
Mind: Sarcasm suits you well.

A few minutes pass. I can feel it – we are drifting into a peaceful state. We continue to fade, until…we’re…finally…almost…aslee—

Mind: Seriously, though. We don’t want to be tired tomorrow. If we go to bed right NOW, we can get this many hours of sleep.
Me: You have got to be kidding me….


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