Advice, Humor, Identity

How to Hate Yourself

Living a “happy” and fulfilling life is a lot of hard work… It requires a lot of self-reflection and soul-searching. On the other hand, going through the motions from day-to-day is quite simple. So, below, I’m giving you advice on how to hate yourself. Please read this as an exercise in reverse psychology (or the worst self-help post ever written).

Stress out about everything. That’s a sure way to feel miserable. I encourage you to stress over everything that is beyond your control. Stuck in traffic on the way to work? Argh! Worrying about whether it’s going to rain while you are eating lunch with a friend? Ugh! Seriously, agonizing about minor inconveniences always makes you feel better.

Wake up every day feeling like you want to go straight back to bed.
Get ready for the day. Dread looking at yourself in the mirror because what you see will make you want to put a paper bag over your head. It doesn’t matter if you’re a beauty or a beast. If you hate yourself, you’re ALWAYS a beast. You could whittle yourself down to 90 pounds and still say things like, “My shoulder blade looks ugly! The veins in my arm are so sick looking!”

Most of the time, you’ll keep these insane thoughts to yourself, but sometimes you’ll vocalize them to someone who doesn’t hate themselves and they’ll tell you, “What do you mean?! You’re so beautiful, oh my gosh. You’re nuts!” Your friend does not realize that they are wasting their time with these compliments. Their perception pales in comparison to the power of your inner critic. There is no logic to hating yourself, which makes it all the more difficult to fix. If someone sees the color blue when they should be seeing grey, how do you get them to see what’s actually there?

Apologize for everything. “I’m sorry I’m here taking up space. I’m sorry I’m ten minutes early. I’m sorry for all of it.” No need to apologize, self-loathing person. We’re sorry that you’re sorry.

Who didn’t love you when you were younger? Who made you feel like a waste of space? It’s hard to believe that self-loathing is innate. It just slowly piles on in your childhood and before you know it, you’re throwing up your dinner, cutting your wrists, and dating someone who is incapable of loving you back. You were born with the capacity to love yourself and then something or someone stole it from you. Now you’re too depressed to want it back.

Be permanently exhausted. Hating yourself is a full-time job and you do not get any benefits. Maybe that’s why sad people always think they’re fat. The weight of inferiority is so extreme that you feel like you’re the size of an IMAX screen. You only start to shed the metaphorical pounds when you’re able to see yourself for what you really are. But it might be a while until that happens.

Make sure and live in the past. Never mind the fact that every new day is another opportunity to improve your situation in life. If you want to feel miserable, your best bet is to obsess over past mistakes even though you can’t do anything about it now. Dropping your baggage would allow you to move on with your life and feel lighter, but that would require developing the inner-strength you need to forgive yourself, and who has the time or energy for that?

Throw in the towel. You worked really hard for a whole two days and didn’t lose a single pound, and you trained your butt off for hours but didn’t manage to get that skill you wanted. Clearly, you put a lot of thought and dedication into getting this, but it just must not be for you. Oh, well. Might as well go home and eat a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, because that definitely won’t make you feel worse about yourself.

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