August 18, 2017: Couldn’t have come across this quote at a better time. Although I’m completely convinced I’ll be dying alone, I love what this says… We should go at our own speed. Take a different path. Not being at 25 doesn’t mean that you’re unlovable or that something *must* be wrong with you. It also doesn’t mean that at 33 or 42.
Your dream job may not come until you’re 60…or maybe your dream job just changes. Who cares? This is YOUR life.
We’re not failures just because life doesn’t unfold according to a certain set of “SHOULDS” written by a society who generally never lived them out either. Be kind to yourself. Right this moment, you are exactly where you need to be. You’re in the middle of your journey. Eventually, you will look back at this moment and be grateful. Appreciate the process.
August 15, 2017: Heck, I’m still learning to love the parts that people DO clap for, but it’s so easy to feel good about the parts people celebrate….but what about the parts we hide?
We subscribe to a narrative that tells us we’re not good enough, that certain parts of us should be hidden…because they’re unlovable, unattractive, not what society accepts, etc. When we allow that to be our story, we also allow ourselves to believe that no one will truly love and accept all parts of us. It sends the message that we can only be loved for them. What a lousy message. We need to embrace all of ourselves and challenge ourselves to subscribe to a new narrative that’s accepting and honoring of our story. The only person who has to start clapping for you is you…people will follow your lead eventually.
July 25, 2017: We often tell others, “Don’t be so hard on yourself,” but how often do we say that to ourselves? We praise others for their accomplishments and their looks, but we are so quick to minimize and shrink our own (or any compliment we receive). It takes bravery to go up against decades of self-bashing. It takes bravery to challenge a narrative that reminds us we are less than or undeserving…ESPECIALLY when our history supports it.
But here’s what we’re going to do. No matter what messages you received growing up – no matter the family dynamics that make this SO difficult – no matter the mom who can’t be there for you, no matter the dad who can’t love you, no matter the people telling you that you’re not good enough, no matter the partner who is constantly disengaged and reminds you there’s something better out there, no matter the abuse, disorders or diseases you may come from – no matter it all, we are all going to commit to *trying* to love ourselves just a bit more. Love yourself and everything else will start to fall into place.
June 30, 2017: Forgive yourself. This is important. You have screwed up in the past. You will screw up again. Every human is born with the ability to make colossal mistake. You are not alone. Screwing up is not your special skill. Get over it. Dragging around guilt and self-criticism is beyond unhealthy and is utterly pointless, not to mention boring.
Get clear on this one truth: guilt, shame, and self-criticism are some of the most destructive forces in your life, which is why forgiving yourself is one of the most powerful.
June 8, 2017: It’s so easy to love and be loved when things are going well. It’s easy when we’re having fun and exploring together. Loving someone when they’re easily lovable comes pretty naturally. And all of that…it’s great. But what’s just as great is when we love people and are loved by people when the ‘not so lovable’ parts show up.
Let’s dive in here. Sometimes our sky is clear and sunny. Sometimes there isn’t a cloud to be found. And other times the sky is roaring and electric. Days it might be grey with the sun hiding, and other days it might hold the most magical of colors that we ever did see.
Beautiful love sees all parts of us, and it finds a way to embrace those different parts…even when they’re resistant, closed down, hurting, or reactive.
Sometimes the storm is where we learn the most about ourselves and each other. Sometimes the clouds trigger us in such a way that it confronts parts of the story that need attention. Sometimes the rain is the greatest gateway to deep connection and intimacy. The easily lovable parts are beautiful…truly…AND the rest can be the greatest opportunity for transformation.
Find ways to love each other through it all. Be in. Always.
June 3, 2017: We’ve heard it before: hurt people – hurt (other) people. But the saying should really go: hurt people who do not connect to and feel their pain, can more easily hurt others than those who do connect and feel their pain. I know…it’s a mouthful. But why? What’s the deal?
When you’re hurting, we have a few options: avoid it, internalize it, feel it, acknowledge it, learn from it. Some of those happen in a specific order, but there’s a divide. The first two keep us stuck. The latter three have us moving through and addressing our pain. Here’s the deal. Confronting our hurt is necessary. Yes, sometimes it’s a timing thing (being avoid ant or in denial can serve us at the right time), but eventually we have GOT to look at our pain and move it through our system so it doesn’t reside within us.
When pain starts paying rent inside our bodies, we seek to share pain with others so that we don’t feel lonely in that space. See how backwards that is? What we all want and need is to feel heard and understood. We want our pain to matter. For others to connect to it. But we need to connect to it first. We need to feel it and be present with it and then share it. We don’t have to hurt others while we’re hurting. No. We have to feel our hurt and share it so that we create connection and understanding instead of passing the torch.
May 31, 2017: “I’m such an idiot.” “I can’t believe that I let (that) happen.” “No wonder people don’t like me.” “Maybe bad things happen to me because I’m a bad person.” “Why did this happen to me?” Everyone always leaves.” “Did I deserve that abuse?”
Truth is, we all have a story. And sometimes it’s really easy to hate our stories. Hate what’s happened. Hate that it happened. Hate how it happened. And hate what it’s done to us.
We are allowed to dislike what’s happened, but staying stuck hating the experience only destroys us. We can hate that something happened, but we also can demand that we grow from it and transform from it. Let your story be the gateway to your deepest and greatest connections. Let your story teach you about your emotional needs, your patterns, and where your healing is. Let your story confront you with your shame, and let it teach you how to move through it and use it as strength. Our story is real. Do not ignore it, deny it, shrink it, or minimize it. Embrace it exactly as is. Doing so sends yourself the message that you trust your resiliency. To move through things we must confront them. What’s happened to us does not have to define us. How we respond to it does. Your experience shapes you, and how you deal with those experiences shape your future.
May 2, 2017: It’s easy to love people when they’re easily lovable, right?! That part isn’t much work. What’s much harder is to love them when they’re doing (unlovable) things. We can communicate our hurt and set boundaries, but we can’t force people to do things differently. That will always be upon them.
Sometimes we wind up holding a space and continuing to do the work with them while they remain in our lives, and other times it means stepping away and sending compassionate love from afar.
We don’t have to accept “garbage-y” behavior…we are allowed to set and honor our boundaries. We are allowed to say “this doesn’t work for me, and I can no longer be a part of it.” But even when we set boundaries, we can still send love from afar.
Because no matter what, everyone needs it. Everyone needs love, and it’s something that we can still do without being dishonorable to ourselves. So even if it’s just a kind thought, be mindful to send love to the people in your life. Everyone can use it, and eventually it will be exactly what takes them further.